Closure

“Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and future dreams, knotted up in a reasonably attractive bundle of flesh. I remember what this flesh has gone through; I dream of what it may go through.” 
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

It rained today, bringing some calm to this Delhi heat we were all crumbling under. As I sat by the window in the afternoon, looking at the rains, it felt strange. The same rain was wrecking havoc at a month ago in my hometown when I was leaving for Delhi. The same rain, yet such different emotions. 

I felt like writing today after a long time, possibly the first time since the time my father passed away months ago. He left rather suddenly, and I wasn’t prepared at all to go through this. But then, since 2021 nothing has ever been in my control anyway. I am not really sad either, not even angry anymore, I just don’t feel anything anymore, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Its not true though, I have been having breakdowns, getting worried glances from people who care about me and even words of concern to get myself together and write my PhD. The final year of PhD is here, there are no more excuses to make. It has to be completed no matter what.

When I first joined this M.Phil/PhD program, I had no clue what was I signing up for. I still don’t know what am I going to see at the end of it. Hopefully a bare minimum but graceful submission, maybe. I don’t want to admit I am lost, but things are seemingly so. I have overthinking a lot these days, nothing productive of course by academic standards. I have over-talking as well, taking financial risks with zero pay and trying to do some writing everyday. As you must have guessed by now, things haven’t been flattering on any front.

Recently when these new photos of the universe came around and everyone kept sharing it on their neon screens, I could only think about our minuscule existence and why are we so entangled in it. A friend pointed out though that that’s the reality out there and actually we can do nothing about it. But the truth is this, me, you and us existing here at this moment, doing things, trying to make sense and breathing life. That’s the only truth that counts for us. Partly, I agree with this line of thought. Even if rupee has crossed the 80 dollar mark, I am more concerned with the Finance Officer who said he can’t do anything about my scholarship money even if I am to kill myself in his office. Even if the whole world around me is crashing and burning, I will still be worried about seeing my dead father in my dreams every night. I am privileged that way about the truths I live with or lie about. 

Its the last of the twenties for me this year, but in my head things ended long ago at twenty-five. Since then I still tried falling in love only to get clean bowled all over, or my health that I was so proud of giving up on me randomly. Covid was very real, and so were its after-effects. Ah, I know it seems like I am ranting but trust me, like so many of you, I don’t really feel like I am ranting. I am simply letting out things into the void that no one cares about. The void vs the virtual world is a discussion for an another time, but I like the void better than this virtual world. In this virtual world, I feel dwarfed by my peers excelling in every field while I hit ‘like’ on their achievements. In this virtual world, I have many acquaintances but no friends. Not like I have friends in this actual world as well, but yeah I can still listen and talk like a social being or so I believe.

The void is my friend now. For about twenty years now, the void has coexisted with me in my head. It has helped me survive through days I thought if I could just learn how to tie a noose and end it all. But now that one of my birth givers is dead, and I have seen him go up in flames, death feels more welcome and unafraid. That said, my courage is limited and my fears boundless and my pretentious selves are abundant. I can see the voices in my head become for concrete everyday, and yet patient with my truths. I am many selves everyday, but I am still myself at the end of the day. Maybe that’s not even a reality but its still my truth.

_nayani